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who I am

Alignment, returning to the fire

Just Show Up

August 2, 2017

“When you imagine your future, do not think that you will be the same then as you are now.” – Sanaya Roman

I started writing this yesterday, and wanted to wish you a very happy beginning of August, but there were men here working on our rental house and it was so loud, I couldn’t even think. So I popped my earphones in, listened to some music, and got sucked into looking back through my blog.

vision board full 2010

(My Vision Board from January 2010.)

It started off with me copying and pasting some of the quotes I have used in the past, but then I just started to scroll backwards, reading three posts at a time, until I had reached page 75 and a post I wrote in 2009 about the strangeness of memory.

I remember all of it. I remember taking every picture and where I wrote each post. I remember learning how to upload the chapters of my book. I remember how I felt, how I yearned and searched and wanted and dreamed. I remember how lost I felt and how worried I was that I was never ever going to ‘get it together’. I remember the people who used to comment on every post, and I wonder where some of them are now. When I follow the links back to their old blogs, most are long gone.

It was a strange feeling, watching Future Self me reading back over letters from Past Self me; a me that feels so far away and yet so present. I am still her in so many ways. Her questions, her dreams, her proclamations, her wishes and her hopes are all still a part of me. I am so proud of her, so in awe of her, so grateful to her for showing up and writing what was in her heart, and for always asking for more.

Earlier this week I wrote a post about just showing up, and so I have been spending time at the page every morning. As I wrote this morning, I thought a lot about about mySelf and all of the things that I have been wanting and dreaming about for years, and where I am compared to where I thought I would be by now. 

I know now that all of the good things that happened in my life happened because I showed up. And I don’t mean rocked-up-to-the-party-once-and-went-home, I mean when I knew something was right, so I showed up up over and over again, even when I didn’t feel like it. Even when it was hard. Even when all I wanted to do was go to bed.

 

vision board meghan genge 2010

(Detail from my Vision Board – January 2010. P.S. I own those glasses!)

 

And that is a big shift for me. My natural inclination is to stretch towards freedom, but rules and structures make me want to run screaming into the night. Sitting here looking through the eyes of my past self, there are so many more things I wish that she had showed up for.

But here’s the Magical bit: now I know. Now I know that in a few years I will be sitting somewhere looking back at this letter. Now I know that that me will want so much to tell this me to just show up.

It’s not about weight.
It’s not about money.
It’s not about love.
It’s not about health.
It’s not about anything.
It’s about tending the fire:
My Fire.
It’s about showing up, over and over and over again.
The way my future self would want me to.
And making her happen.

xo

Alignment

90 Days of Showing Up

July 28, 2017

Warning: there’s a bit of swearing in this one. 😉

”I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: I’m not screwing around. It’s time.” ~ Brene Brown

 

I’ve always been the girl with the plan. If I wanted to write a book or lose weight or start exercising or learn something, I would sit down and figure out where I wanted to be, then work backwards. If you were to open any past planner of mine, you would find at least one countdown on those pages.

But I never got there.

I never got to the end of the countdown with success. I never ended at my goal weight, I never wrote 50,000 words in a month and I never got to ten push-ups.

Why?

I think for four reasons:

  1. I’ve always been a bit rebellious and my ‘screwyouiwon’tdowhatyoutellme’ notion sadly even works on self-imposed rules.
  2. I was getting something out of staying where I was. If I never got there, I wouldn’t have to see what there meant.
  3. I bought whole-heartedly into the notion of ‘be gentle with yourself.’ But instead of doing that, I used it as an excuse to not show up if I didn’t feel like it or if I was tired or if or if or if…

And that’s all crap. Yep, all just excuses.

Yesterday I did a long guided meditation in which I asked my guides for the answer to a question. There is some stuff I want to clear, and this seemed like as good an idea as any. I went in, I sat at the feet of a guide, and I asked my question. The answer?

“Stop fucking around and show up.”

Not your usual answer, but I took it, mostly because I’ve been getting the same answer for weeks in my writing and my course creation and my journalling: just show up.

Over the past twenty-four hours, I have read the other part of that phrase four different times in four different places: stop fucking around.

Those words? Five times in two days? Really?

Today I counted – because that is what I do – and I realised that it is 90 days until my birthday. And within those 90 days, we will be moving into our house. Usually that would have me making a Plan and writing a goal in my diary.

But not today. Today I am admitting that that doesn’t work, and instead I am going to stop fucking around and just show up at the page. Every day. No matter what. No matter how I feel or where I have to go or what I have to do. Everything counts. This matters. My work matters.

I matter.

90 days of showing up. 90 days until my birthday. 90 days.

I can count that down.

It’s a good Plan.

xo

 

Costa Rica, Finding the Magic, I AM

Magic Happened.

May 10, 2017
plumeria blossoms

 

Today I am going to tell you a story about Magic.

Several years ago – and I can’t remember exactly how many, but it’s more than 5 – I was part of a wonderful coaching circle led by my friend Jamie Ridler. Jamie IS Magic, and the circle she led was all about us moving our creative dreams (and lives) forward.

plumeriaDuring one of the calls, Jamie had us visualise our future self. Now, I am more auditory than visual, so I have found visualising a challenge in the past, but Jamie always manages to get me to ‘see’ something.

I saw myself in a house. It was mostly white, open plan and all on one level. It was quite modern looking, which is weird because I always pictured myself in something else. There was a large deck around it and a walkway to it, kind of like a dock. I have always wanted a dock, so I intervened and put it onto a lake – because nothing else made sense to me.
The me that I saw in the house was wearing light clothes – I was even in a skirt. (Me?) I felt comfortable. Peaceful. Soft. Grounded. I knew who I was and what I was doing. My days were filled with love and creativity. I was connected to something more. Most of all, I felt a sense of freedom. I had stopped searching for something.

When Jamie gave us time to journal after the meditation, I sketched the house and then, over time, forgot about it.

Two years ago when we started picturing our house, we were going to build a wooden bali-inspired house, but in the living here and the understanding Costa Rica (especially that bugs LOVE to eat wood), we have changed our plans. Now the house we are building is an open-plan, one level, very white, kind-of square, modern house. With a huge deck that you have to walk across to get to the door.
(I’m sure YOU can see the connection, but I didn’t.)
my viewFast forward to last week. I was sitting on the couch with my husband and we were having a conversation about True things. We were quiet for a moment and out of somewhere I got a strange feeling of, ‘oh there you are!’ and felt this weird click.

In that moment I knew that somehow I had caught up to my future self; that we had finally come together and were now the same person. I had forgotten about the meditation, but in the middle of the click I remembered it and saw me and the house and all of it. I felt a strange sense of peace and what I can only describe as yesness.

Holy holy holy.

The most interesting part is that I never – not once – aimed at that image. The house was nothing like I thought I would live in – and I was in a skirt for heaven’s sake!  But for the past six or seven years I have been focusing on those feelings: Peace. Soft. Grounded. Knowing who I am. Love. Creativity. Connected to something more. Joy. Gratitude. Belief. Wonder. Transcendence. And Freedom: Magical Freedom.

I didn’t plan it, but somehow, even all of those years ago, I knew. Or someone or something did.

meghanIn that moment I could only sit and breathe and wonder, and it has taken me a few days to process it all. I feel different, and all I can feel right now is gratitude. There is so much more to all of this than we can possibly imagine. It’s a Mystery and a dance and a conversation.

Listen to your nudges. Listen to your feelings. Ask for help and signs and support and messages. Follow your instincts.

Find the Magic and it will take you places you can’t even imagine.

I love you.