You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star. – Nietzche
If this was the movie of my life, this weekend would have been the scene on the bathroom floor. You know the one: the moment when it all gets too much and the heroine cries ugly tears locked away by herself in a room. The one right before profound change.
That was me this weekend.
I’m not telling you this so that you will feel sorry for me or so that you will say nice things in the comments. I’m telling you this because sometimes it all gets too much.
Two weeks ago I was feeling high with possibility. Quitting my job, creating magic, moving to another country, shedding layers of myself – both physically and metaphorically – seeing change happening, having profound moments of connection, all felt possible and good and they were happening.
But then I started getting chest pains.
And this weekend it hit me that all of that is happening. The joblessness, homelessness, selling our stuff, still being at work for three more months, the mess, the paperwork, not spending any time with my family this Christmas, the being a wife and daughter and sister and aunt and daughter-in-law and friend and boss and colleague, and maker-of-Christmas – and don’t even get me started on being a writer – and all of this opening up? It’s bloody exhausting and painful and then there is the guilt that I’m not doing any of it well enough. And this weekend the overwhelm was just too much.
Too much = ugly tears.
But here I am again this morning. I am up and I am going to work and things look a little brighter.
It can be so tempting to only show the shiny sides of ourselves. It can be so tempting to look at other people and see their edited version. But if we are to grow and to be and to embrace all of it, we are going to have to go there.
To the darkness.
Because only in the darkness can we see the stars.
xo
“At the end of the Tower the ego, the conscious idea of self, riddled with mistakes, regrets, illusions, delusions, untruths as well as truths, ideas, illusions of separateness, illusions of needs or instincts, of human life, they are blown completely away. The earth is blown away. The lie is exposed. And when that shell falls, when you find you cannot stand on that lie any more and you fall through the illusions that is self and life on earth and everything you know or knew begins to vanish and disappear, all will become black and empty and then, alone will be a single light. That is the truth. That is home. It is one. It is the Star. In the blackness that was the Tower the Star will guide you home. It is in the darkness that the Star shines brightest.” – Marie White – The Mary-El Tarot (The Star)
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Sending love, hopes, dreams and mango season xxx
Y’know what? I’ve discovered that it’s perfectly fine to just let ALL of that stuff go, even if it’s only for 24 hours, and be precisely none of those things. Somehow, miraculously, everyone and everything survives and you get to rest and pick it up again when you’re ready. You have not come this far and achieved this much for Life not to support you when you need to regroup. You are doing important work and it’s an ultra-marathon not a sprint. You get to walk, stop, take in the view whenever you need to. And the darkness has its own profound beauty, as do you : ) xxx
Oh Megg, yes, yes, yes! This is exactly what happens and has to happen. I am so with you on this one (as you know.) Throwing all the cards up in the air and then not just waiting for them to fall but also trying to turn them mid-air so they land where you want them is exhausting, exhilarating, scary and hopeful all at once. Be assured that all of this is very normal. Yesterday my husband and I joked with my family that we are now homeless and jobless and while we all laughed about it in good humor there is always that little nag that we are indeed crazy to be taking such a big risk. Alas, it still feels so right and I know that you are also on the absolutely right track with what you are doing. Here is a quote that you’ve probably seen that always helps me in these darker moments because it makes me realize that this is very much a grieving process, too:
“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ” ~ Anatole France
Hugs xo
Thank you love, this honesty is so often what is missing from stories and why we feel lost sometimes when it hits us.
This expresses how I’ve been feeling so well. It’s all changed this year: quit my job, started a business, bought a home, moved, new relationship, family stuff. And that writer thing… yikes! I’ve had quite a few bathroom floor moments, and I anticipate a few more to come while I find the balance. Or the balance finds itself. A lovely post xx
Oh Love, thank you for your candid honesty. I’m happy that the light found you this morning. It IS all a lot… Sending you continued “joy” and more loving light…xxO
I am a big fan of the darkness. You are more beautiful in your owning that than you would ever be if you were just shiny. Grace be with you treasured human.